The Five People You Meet at an Industry Party, Part One:

New to the scene and unsure of how to navigate the very murky, very shallow waters of the most super of all superficiality – the industry party? The city we live in has been called a number of vaguely irritating things – Hollyweird, La-La Land, but they’re all pretty true. Crazy people flock to LA like those under the employ of SAGIndie flock to an open bar. Sure, watching Entourage will help, I guess, but it would sure behoove you to read this handy guide! Thank me later.

1. A well dressed, but sort of scary looking septuagenarian that may have been a suit at one time: He may be rich-ish and powerful (enough), but that suspicious trail of sawdust he’s leaving is there to warn you that the dude is old! He’s most likely not going to help you in any way (even if he still had pull), and you’re going to have old man smell on you for days. Fellate at your own risk.

2. The Hanger-On (or person of no consequence): If you are reading this, you will most likely fall into this category. They are the person who got lucky by either having a cool job on the fringes of the industry, or a lame job in the center or the industry, or your run of the mill person that happens to know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Sometimes they are aspiring actors/filmmakers/industry bloggers, sometimes they’re just along for the ride. The specific species of this genus will be discussed in detail later. Aside from the fact that it’s just better to be nice to everyone, seriously, be nice to these people because you never know when you will mistake one for:

3. The Guy you think is a hanger-on, and sort of diss, but then get to work and see his face in the trades: Damn it, damn it, damn it!

4. The person you really want to meet: If they are a star, they will be even better looking than you could hope, if they are a suit they will be uglier than you would dare to assume. As a side note, extreme good looks help, but don’t guarantee anything – I didn’t get anywhere with Nick Cannon! Quelle horreur! My advice? Skip this person. Why suffer the injustice of watching their eyes glaze over halfway through your pitch or plea for a date, etc. Besides, if you take the time to do a lap around the party, you will fall in love at least seven times, and that number only gets higher with each drink consumed, which brings us to:

5. The bartender: If you are anything like me, you will spend more time with this person than you will with your date. Keep in mind that this relationship ends at last call. They have seen how much you drink and have watched you fumble each advance. They know you’re lame. But you know what? They only know all this because they’re a bartender. At least you got into the party.

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